Childish patterns that persist in our mind.
It is very rare to really become mature. The child goes on remaining there. One has to say goodbye to the child - only then does one become mature.
There is a basic cause to it: each child learns in his childhood that he has just to demand and all his demands have to be fulfilled. And they are fulfilled, otherwise he would not survive. He has no responsibility to give anything - he simply gets; and because of this a very wrong pattern sets in. The child simply gets and there is no question of giving. He becomes very manipulative, he becomes very political: he knows how to manipulate the mother and the father and the whole family.
If it is needed he cries, creates a tantrum, creates such hell that they have to yield, or, if sometimes it helps, he smiles; but these are all strategic, political gimmicks. The whole effort is of dominating, of possessing.
And the child wants to be dictatorial - each child is dictatorial. When he needs her, the mother should rush to him immediately; not a single moment has to be lost. If he needs something, it has to be supplied right now - he cannot wait. And all these things have to be done because the child is so helpless. That helplessness becomes his strategy and he never learns to give.
Only people who know how to give are non-possessive. Remember it. People who know only how to get are bound to be possessive because, who knows? If somebody else possesses the mother, then? So no child likes the birth of another child. He hates it - the very idea is repulsive - because that means division, that means the mother will not be absolutely available to him. Each child wants to kill the new child, has murderous ideas, and that child remains in everybody.
We become mature physically; psychologically we remain immature. So on the surface we pretend that we are grown-up, and nobody is a grown-up. This is one of the basic problems - that everybody is showing that he is a grown-up and nobody is a grown-up. So it is only a veneer, just a facade, skin-deep. Scratch a little bit more and the child is there and the tantrum. The child wants to possess and dominate and is always afraid that somebody else may take his woman, may' take her man - then what? And you are needy, you are hungry.
So you have to be absolutely certain that your woman never talks with anybody, never laughs with anybody, never loves anybody. You create a prison around her - a very subtle prison - and you are constantly on the watch. Now how can love happen in such circumstances? You are watching her, she is watching you, so both are against each other. afraid, insecure. How can love arise in suspicion, in doubt? Each is like a policeman to the other: every detail has to be known - what you have been doing, where you have been, with whom have you been, what you have talked about.
How is love possible?
Love is a fragile phenomenon. It is not possible to grow in such a hard soil, and it never grows. And because it never grows you are more hungry for it. The more hungry you are, the more possessive you become. You know only one way. So you say that you love the woman, but that's only a saying.
If you come to know that she has been laughing with somebody else and has been happier than she ever is with you, you will kill her. But you say you love her!
Your love can turn into hate any moment. It is only love on the surface - deep down it is hate. Your so-called lovers all hate each other, but because they need, they go on pretending. They are afraid - the woman may leave; then they will be lonely. And that loneliness makes them afraid. You will lose your identity - who you are - and what are you going to do then? You will feel almost like a small child lost in the supermarket who cannot find the mother. Or you will be like a dog, lost in the paradeground and just rushing everywhere looking for the master and not knowing where to go.
Who will take him home?
Unless this needy love is dropped and a totally new love arises in you - love that knows how to give, love that enjoys giving; not the love of a child but the love of a mature person - you will remain possessive. You will turn the other into a thing, you will reduce her to the thing, and when you reduce the other, the other reduces you.
The so-called love affairs are almost like enmity. They are not love - no friendship, not at all. Each is just trying to exploit the other. It is a mutual arrangement of exploitation: 'I will exploit you, so I have to allow myself to be exploited by you.'
Love can be defined... they have in China a very ancient definition - it is: 'Scratching the other's back so that the other can scratch your back.' That's all. It is difficult to scratch one's own back, so somebody else scratches your back and in return you scratch her back - a mutual arrangement, but nothing of much value.
If you really want to drop possessiveness - and it has to be dropped, otherwise you will remain miserable - then you will have to understand that your child is there and that you have not grown psychologically. That child has to be taken into full consciousness. It functions through the unconscious - it has to be brought into awareness, into full light. You have to see it and its ugliness.
In that absolute clarity you can say goodbye to the child. It is your problem.
Jesus says 'Unless you are like children you will not enter into my kingdom of god.' And he is right.
Another saying can be created 'Unless you are childish, you will not enter into the kingdom of hell.'
To be like children is one thing and to be childish is just the opposite. And people are childish but on the surface are trying to be brave and courageous and heroes, mm ? just on the surface all that macho. But just hiding behind that is a small crying child whose bed is wet. His mother is not available and he does not know what to do. Or a child who is hungry and is hankering for the breast and the breast is not available... is helpless.
You will have to bring this whole state of your mind into clear light. Awareness transforms. See to it - bring it out, meditate over it. It is not just possessiveness: behind possessiveness is the child. It is not just jealousy: behind jealousy it is the child. Because a mature person is never jealous - cannot be. Why should he be?
Nobody is obliged to love you. Nobody is responsible to make you happy. A mature person understands this much - just bare facts, bare fundamentals: 'Nobody is responsible to make me happy - it is my business to be happy or to be unhappy. Nobody can make me unhappy or happy and nobody has this responsibility, so how can I be jealous? For what? How can I make the other feel responsible and guilty? The other is free.'
If out of the freedom of the other he or she decides to be with you and loves you, be thankful. If she moves away, it is perfectly okay. If you feel sad, that is your business; that is none of her problem Out of freedom we meet and out of freedom we should remain together. And if out of freedom separation happens, so it happens; it has to be accepted. The mature person accepts life with all its thorns and with all its flowers.
And he never makes the other feel guilty. These are ways of making the other feel guilty: 'You are making me miserable because you were talking to that man and you were looking so happy. That is making me unhappy.' It is not making you unhappy - it has nothing to do with your happiness. It is your childishness, your immature demands, unhealthy demands, pathological demands, that are making you unhappy.
So just become a little more alert of the child inside. Meditate more on it. Every day for at least one hour sit silently and watch the child, its ways, its functioning, and the whole mechanism of it. And don't judge, don't call it names. Don't condemn it because that is not going to help. That is again childish. Just watch without any judgement, without any evaluation, just watch. Let the child have its full say. See how it functions, how it works, how this mechanism has been functioning inside you.
And just watching it you will be surprised: things have started changing. Seeing the stupidity of it one starts changing. It is going to happen.
This is my whole work here - to make you mature, so mature that you don't need any love. You give, and if it comes in return that's another thing, but it was not the basic motivation behind it. To give love for love's sake is maturity. Much comes in return, a thousandfold comes in return, but that is another matter. That is nothing to be thought about it is not part of your desire; it is just out of the blue. But you had enjoyed giving. Then one is not jealous.
If you are needy you will be jealous, and the child is needy. It goes on hanging, it goes on finding mother and father figures and goes on hanging on them, goes on demanding as if the whole world exists just to fulfill you! The child thinks of himself as the centre of the whole existence. That is stupid. We are not the centres, nobody is the centre of the whole.
Just watch it, meditate over it. It will go, it has to go. It is creating misery and nothing else, so why cling to it? But it can go only when you have become absolutely conscious of it.
This is the alchemy of awareness.
OSHO
Only people who know how to give are non-possessive. Remember it. People who know only how to get are bound to be possessive because, who knows? If somebody else possesses the mother, then? So no child likes the birth of another child. He hates it - the very idea is repulsive - because that means division, that means the mother will not be absolutely available to him. Each child wants to kill the new child, has murderous ideas, and that child remains in everybody.
We become mature physically; psychologically we remain immature. So on the surface we pretend that we are grown-up, and nobody is a grown-up. This is one of the basic problems - that everybody is showing that he is a grown-up and nobody is a grown-up. So it is only a veneer, just a facade, skin-deep. Scratch a little bit more and the child is there and the tantrum. The child wants to possess and dominate and is always afraid that somebody else may take his woman, may' take her man - then what? And you are needy, you are hungry.
So you have to be absolutely certain that your woman never talks with anybody, never laughs with anybody, never loves anybody. You create a prison around her - a very subtle prison - and you are constantly on the watch. Now how can love happen in such circumstances? You are watching her, she is watching you, so both are against each other. afraid, insecure. How can love arise in suspicion, in doubt? Each is like a policeman to the other: every detail has to be known - what you have been doing, where you have been, with whom have you been, what you have talked about.
How is love possible?
Love is a fragile phenomenon. It is not possible to grow in such a hard soil, and it never grows. And because it never grows you are more hungry for it. The more hungry you are, the more possessive you become. You know only one way. So you say that you love the woman, but that's only a saying.
If you come to know that she has been laughing with somebody else and has been happier than she ever is with you, you will kill her. But you say you love her!
Your love can turn into hate any moment. It is only love on the surface - deep down it is hate. Your so-called lovers all hate each other, but because they need, they go on pretending. They are afraid - the woman may leave; then they will be lonely. And that loneliness makes them afraid. You will lose your identity - who you are - and what are you going to do then? You will feel almost like a small child lost in the supermarket who cannot find the mother. Or you will be like a dog, lost in the paradeground and just rushing everywhere looking for the master and not knowing where to go.
Who will take him home?
Unless this needy love is dropped and a totally new love arises in you - love that knows how to give, love that enjoys giving; not the love of a child but the love of a mature person - you will remain possessive. You will turn the other into a thing, you will reduce her to the thing, and when you reduce the other, the other reduces you.
The so-called love affairs are almost like enmity. They are not love - no friendship, not at all. Each is just trying to exploit the other. It is a mutual arrangement of exploitation: 'I will exploit you, so I have to allow myself to be exploited by you.'
Love can be defined... they have in China a very ancient definition - it is: 'Scratching the other's back so that the other can scratch your back.' That's all. It is difficult to scratch one's own back, so somebody else scratches your back and in return you scratch her back - a mutual arrangement, but nothing of much value.
If you really want to drop possessiveness - and it has to be dropped, otherwise you will remain miserable - then you will have to understand that your child is there and that you have not grown psychologically. That child has to be taken into full consciousness. It functions through the unconscious - it has to be brought into awareness, into full light. You have to see it and its ugliness.
In that absolute clarity you can say goodbye to the child. It is your problem.
Jesus says 'Unless you are like children you will not enter into my kingdom of god.' And he is right.
Another saying can be created 'Unless you are childish, you will not enter into the kingdom of hell.'
To be like children is one thing and to be childish is just the opposite. And people are childish but on the surface are trying to be brave and courageous and heroes, mm ? just on the surface all that macho. But just hiding behind that is a small crying child whose bed is wet. His mother is not available and he does not know what to do. Or a child who is hungry and is hankering for the breast and the breast is not available... is helpless.
You will have to bring this whole state of your mind into clear light. Awareness transforms. See to it - bring it out, meditate over it. It is not just possessiveness: behind possessiveness is the child. It is not just jealousy: behind jealousy it is the child. Because a mature person is never jealous - cannot be. Why should he be?
Nobody is obliged to love you. Nobody is responsible to make you happy. A mature person understands this much - just bare facts, bare fundamentals: 'Nobody is responsible to make me happy - it is my business to be happy or to be unhappy. Nobody can make me unhappy or happy and nobody has this responsibility, so how can I be jealous? For what? How can I make the other feel responsible and guilty? The other is free.'
If out of the freedom of the other he or she decides to be with you and loves you, be thankful. If she moves away, it is perfectly okay. If you feel sad, that is your business; that is none of her problem Out of freedom we meet and out of freedom we should remain together. And if out of freedom separation happens, so it happens; it has to be accepted. The mature person accepts life with all its thorns and with all its flowers.
And he never makes the other feel guilty. These are ways of making the other feel guilty: 'You are making me miserable because you were talking to that man and you were looking so happy. That is making me unhappy.' It is not making you unhappy - it has nothing to do with your happiness. It is your childishness, your immature demands, unhealthy demands, pathological demands, that are making you unhappy.
So just become a little more alert of the child inside. Meditate more on it. Every day for at least one hour sit silently and watch the child, its ways, its functioning, and the whole mechanism of it. And don't judge, don't call it names. Don't condemn it because that is not going to help. That is again childish. Just watch without any judgement, without any evaluation, just watch. Let the child have its full say. See how it functions, how it works, how this mechanism has been functioning inside you.
And just watching it you will be surprised: things have started changing. Seeing the stupidity of it one starts changing. It is going to happen.
This is my whole work here - to make you mature, so mature that you don't need any love. You give, and if it comes in return that's another thing, but it was not the basic motivation behind it. To give love for love's sake is maturity. Much comes in return, a thousandfold comes in return, but that is another matter. That is nothing to be thought about it is not part of your desire; it is just out of the blue. But you had enjoyed giving. Then one is not jealous.
If you are needy you will be jealous, and the child is needy. It goes on hanging, it goes on finding mother and father figures and goes on hanging on them, goes on demanding as if the whole world exists just to fulfill you! The child thinks of himself as the centre of the whole existence. That is stupid. We are not the centres, nobody is the centre of the whole.
Just watch it, meditate over it. It will go, it has to go. It is creating misery and nothing else, so why cling to it? But it can go only when you have become absolutely conscious of it.
This is the alchemy of awareness.
OSHO
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